


Insomnia

by itsnotlove



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fear, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, i really don't know how to tag this rip, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 15:27:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9078688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsnotlove/pseuds/itsnotlove
Summary: Shizuo doesn't deserve this, he knows that, but he'll take it anyway.





	

Even now, as Shizuo laid in bed with what could be mistaken for a flea-shaped hot water bottle on his chest (given Izaya’s lack of movement and the way he sprawled out over him), he couldn’t calm his mind. Despite everything that had happened, and all the fears that Izaya had destroyed simply by being unafraid, he couldn’t find any peace.

 

The first time they’d kissed, Shizuo had feared he’d broken Izaya. Things had started delicately enough, with Izaya’s nose bumping softly against his own and quickened breath warming his lips. His eyes had remained open, wide and unblinking, as he’d tried to understand what was happening. 

 

As his pulse thrummed loudly in his ears, he wondered if this was fine; if he deserved this, any of this, even from a bastard like Izaya. Those thoughts had soon been cut off by the smile pressing against his mouth, and the hint of a tongue running along the seam of his lips. Shock had caused Shizuo to lean into it, and he tumbled onto Izaya and then to the floor. His eyes slipped closed as two deceptively strong hands ran through his hair, and he forgot to worry about whether or not he deserved this.

 

Until Izaya’s hushed whimpers dragged him back to his senses. Never in his life had Shizuo moved so quickly, or moved away from Izaya. His back hit the wall on the opposite side of the room and he pressed flush against it, a look of sheer horror on his face.

 

Had he done it?

 

Had he hurt someone just with a kiss?

 

Had he killed someone with a kiss?

 

He should have known better. He should never have let himself get carried away.

 

“Shizu-chan, was that your first kiss?” From the floor, Izaya called out to him with a sneer that only barely hid the breathless hurt in his voice. 

 

Even after having suffering a kiss from a beast, Izaya was unafraid. It was in that precise moment, as he watched Izaya’s chest rise and fall rapidly and the confusion and pain shift on his features, that Shizuo realised three important things: There would never be a time in his life that he would try to seriously harm Izaya again, that he might just falling in love with Izaya, and that he would never be able to let himself get carried away. 

 

Things after that had progressed as naturally as they could, given who the couple in question was. Dates were bloody and violent, though that was mostly due to Izaya insisting on sending men after Shizuo whenever they went out to dinner, and hand holding became a game of chicken. It was romantic, or as romantic as they could stand, and all seemed to be going well.

 

Until, of course, they weren’t. It was normal that Izaya would become restless with Shizuo’s lack of interest (or what Izaya believed to be a lack of interest), and predictable that he’d scheme until he found a way to change things. The plot hadn’t been as smooth and careful as it might have been under different circumstances, being that Izaya couldn’t wait for very much longer and launched an attack on Shizuo only seconds after he’d walked into his apartment, but it had worked nonetheless.

 

The element of surprise was all it had taken for Shizuo to be forced, kicking and screaming, out of his head and onto the couch. He’d become lost in Izaya’s soft touches and gentle kisses, and when he closed his eyes and felt a warmth he’d only dreamed about envelope him, he thought things would be okay.

 

And they were. There were no broken bones, no bruised skin, and no bloodied clothes. It was how it should have been- slow, sweet, and over far too soon. Most importantly, Izaya was alive at the end of it. Shizuo hadn’t lost himself so totally that he’d killed him, and there was no greater feeling than that. He’d faced his fears (with more than a little help from an impatient Izaya), and both had lived to laugh about it.

 

It was freeing, but reminded him of just how close a call it had been. Though he could show Izaya just how much he cared for him in a physical way, there was no telling if he’d get as lucky the next time. The experience might have lessened his fears, but it reaffirmed what he’d already told himself: He could never let his guard down again.

 

Months soon turned into years, and Shizuo was pleased to discover that his feelings for Izaya never wavered. There had never been a time when he looked at him and felt anything other than annoyance and love, and he was sure that Izaya felt the same way for him. Each day, he found new things to cherish; the way the corners of Izaya’s eyes crinkled as he laughed, the way his left canine tooth was a little less pointed than its partner, and the way his touch stayed gentle despite the harshness of his tongue. Everything, each and every little thing, it meant more to Shizuo than he could bear.

 

Their change of living arrangements hadn’t been organised, but had simply happened. Shizuo had been spending more and more time at Izaya’s apartment, and just forgot to pay his rent one day. When his things had appeared in Izaya’s living room, boxed and labelled with a variety of insults, he hadn’t thought very much of it. He and Izaya had spent the rest of the day unpacking and exploring the relics of his old apartment, with Shizuo blushing as Izaya dug out the crinkled movie stubs that had been kept for totally unsentimental reasons.

 

Life was sweet, and more than Shizuo deserved. It was more than his heart could process, and even if Izaya made fun of him for it, he couldn’t stop his confession from tumbling out of his mouth.

 

The words laid between them, unapologetic and loaded, for what felt like an eternity. Izaya stopped laughing, though his smile remained fixed in place, and Shizuo swore he could see him examining each letter of each word.

 

“Me, also.” After an eternity of regret and self loathing, the response felt surreal. Izaya squirmed where he sat, his own confession filling the silence, before he added quickly: “But I’ll always hate Shizu-chan.”

 

If Shizuo could name one of his regrets as his biggest, it would be that one. The idea that he’d allowed someone this beautiful, this precious and worthy of love, to fall in love with him… It was the cruelest thing he’d ever done. And yet, he selfishly accepted it, relished it, and promised himself that he’d do all that he could to make it up to Izaya. Even if it killed him, he’d make damn sure that Izaya was as happy as he deserved to be.

 

Which is why, years later, Shizuo was laying awake in bed with Izaya curled on his chest. He couldn’t sleep, not when there was the chance he might roll on top of Izaya and smother him. Or worse- if he had a nightmare and lashed out at him. There were too many risks, but he swallowed each one of them with a smile. This was his punishment for accepting the love of his most precious person; a lifetime of fear and sleepless nights.

 

He’d fall asleep around dawn, as he usually did, and curse himself once he woke for letting his guard down once again. Izaya would still be next to him, likely propped up on one elbow and tugging on the few hairs on Shizuo’s chest, with a smile that broke his heart. There was no way that he’d done anything to deserve this affection, but he took it like the greedy bastard he was anyway.

 

On his chest, Izaya shifted and mumbled something into Shizuo’s throat, dragging him back to the present and away from his dreams of morning. Shizuo lifted his head and pressed a chaste kiss to Izaya’s mop of dark hair and earned himself a quiet “ _ fuck off, _ ” and the press of lips against his neck. 

 

Shizuo’s fingers dug into the mattress as he fought the urge to wrap his arms around Izaya’s body to pull him close, and he squeezed his eyes closed tightly. There was nothing in this world that he wanted more than to hold Izaya, or to squeeze him tightly. He wanted to lose himself in an embrace, and prove just how badly he wanted Izaya to stay with him. More than anything, Shizuo longed to hug Izaya and whisper sweet things into his ear.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

Never in his life would be able to hold Izaya even half as tightly as he wanted.

 

Never in his life could he squeeze him with all his strength in an attempt to convey just how strong his feelings were. 

 

There would never be a time that he could hold Izaya, even gently, without worrying that it was too much. That he might break him.

 

So instead, he ruined another mattress and allowed his fingers to drag through the foam and springs, and scrunched his eyes so tightly that nothing might escape them. Even if Izaya trusted him, Shizuo knew better than to trust himself. A moment of happiness wasn’t worth the short lifetime of regret that would follow if he squeezed too tightly.

 

He’d take this punishment, because he’d already let himself take the undeserved love and affection. The pain he felt would never be more than the joy, but the joy would never be more than his unending worry.

 

And so he’d stay still, and pray that there might come a day that his strength would lessen enough and that he could finally-  _ finally _ \- hold Izaya the way he deserved to be held, and kiss him the way he deserved to be kissed.

 

Until then, he’d accept this punishment silently.

**Author's Note:**

> SHIZUO NOT BEING ABLE TO HUG ANYONE AS TIGHTLY AS HE WANTS TO REALLY HURTS ME.


End file.
